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Seven Practical Tips To Grow And Deepen Your Adult Friendships

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When I wrote a post a few months back about six reasons I struggled to find friends after college, it quickly became one of my most popular posts.  Women from all life stages commented and shared how hard it had been for them to find and grow authentic, deep friendships, especially in the years of raising littles.  We struggle to find not only the time to pursue women friendships, but also to find ways to grow these friendships into deep, lasting relationships we can rely on instead of just acquaintances.

Even so, I believe that having women in our lives with whom we can share the good and the hard is extremely important.  When I don’t have female friends, I’m quick to put the heavy burden of filling all my relational needs on my husband or family, and that’s just not fair to them or me.  Growing friendships is hard but worth it and these practical tips to grow and deepen your adult friendships are things I’ve seen to be helpful as I navigate the confusing world of grownup friendships.

These practical tips to deepen your friendships are so simple but so helpful!

 

1) Initiate, initiate, initiate.

Oh man, the introvert in me struggles at this one.  I am completely content to hang at home by myself with a blanket, a good book, and a 9:30 PM bedtime, so sometimes it’s easy for me to give in to the fear of rejection instead of texting someone to hang out and fill that blank space.  I’m learning that a lot of us are in the same boat: we think all of the people we know already have things to do and people to hang out and couldn’t possibly want to hang out with us, so we don’t reach out.  And then for the most part, we wonder why we don’t have friends to hang with on the weekends or when things get tough.  If we want to see our friendships grow, we have to be willing to risk rejection and initiate that coffee date, walk, movie date, or shopping day.

2) Be the first to be vulnerable.

When relationships are growing, it’s so easy to want to wait for the other person to share their struggles or ask the perfect question that will give you a chance to share.  But sometimes, we just have to swallow our pride and insecurities be the first one to be honest.  It’s so scary and there’s no guarantees about how the person will respond, but if we aren’t willing to take risks and share our hearts, the friendship will never go anywhere.  Be the first to share and I can almost guarantee that you open the door for the other person to share too.

3) Share your struggles WHEN they happen, not after the fact.

Like I said in #2, sharing our struggles is challenging.  We fear that people will judge us, reject us, or just plan leave us if we reveal that we don’t have it all together.  But like I shared in this post, there are so many reasons to share our struggles with people we love and are sharing life with.  And what really builds and deepens friendships? When we can share the hard moments AS they happen, not after the fact when we’ve had time to practice our summary and give the picture-perfect, gift-wrapped version of why everything is still okay.  Life can be so, so hard, and being brave enough to reach out to new friends when we’re hurting and let them love us in the midst of that is one of the best ways to let friendships deepen and grow. When I give other people the chance to love me and know me in my brokenness, they almost always respond with love and grace and our friendship deepens as a result.

Seven Practical Ways To Grow And Deepen Your Adult Friendships

4) Fill silences with questions, not stories.

I first observed this one when I led Young life and spent lots of hours making awkward conversations with high school students.  When a silence in the conversation comes, it’s so easy to jump in with a silly story or anecdote about something that happened to us recently.  This isn’t a horrible thing to do, but I find that conversation flows and deepens so much more when I fill silences with questions.  People love talking about themselves (or am I the only one?) and asking someone a question about anything from their favorite restaurant to what life’s been like recently is a great way to show interest and deepen a relationship.

5) Ask open-ended questions.

If leading a conversation and asking questions is intimidating, there is absolutely no shame in brainstorming a few questions to ask before you hang out with someone.  I remember practicing this with my roommates before we hung out with new Young Life girls for the first time.  The key is to ask questions that give people a chance to answer honestly and share about things that they’re struggling with if they’re ready to do so.  The question-starters below are a great place to start if you’re feeling lost about how to make a conversation go deeper.  Think about what you know about this person and what’s going on in their life, and be bold enough to ask real questions about it!

  • What has been your favorite and least favorite part of ________?
  • How has _________ been challenging lately?
  • What’s been something you’ve loved or liked about  _________ lately?
  • Where have you seen God in the midst of ___________?

6) Listen closely and ask “the second question.”

That pastors at our church recently used this phrase in a training on how to lead discussions in our small groups.  Sometimes we try our best to encourage conversation by sharing our own hearts and filling the silence with open-ended questions, but people still respond with their go-to answers like, “Oh we’re doing fine, just busy, you know?” or a vague answer like “Oh, things are always tough with little ones but we’re surviving.”  These more surface-level answers are often the clue to what’s going on in people’s hearts.  They give us a great chance to care for our friends by asking the “second question,” or a question that follows up and asks them to give more details.

If a friend says she’s been busy, I might ask what that’s been like for her or how she’s been feeling in the midst of that.  There’s definitely a balance and if someone isn’t ready to share, they might still respond with a vague answer.  But being bold enough to ask the second, third, or even fourth followup questions can give someone the encouragement and space to be honest about how they’re doing.

7) Don’t weigh down new friends with expectations.

Finally, know that sometimes friendships will take time.  It’s okay if things with a new friend are moving slowly because life is busy or it’s taking time for walls to be broken down.  Don’t weigh your new friend down with expectations that they be for you what close friends have been in the past.  Even if you do all you can to deepen and grow a friendship, sometimes these things just take time and relationships will develop slowly.  Our adult friendships might not grow as quickly and deeply as our childhood or college friendships, but they are still valuable and worth pursuing.

Seven Practical Tips To Grow And Deepen Adult Friendships - Check out these tips for practical steps to help your grownup friendships grow!

Pursuing friendships in our adult years requires a lot more work and intentional pursuit than building friendships in college.  It’s challenging and scary at times, but it’s absolutely worth the work it takes to find women who can be our people, the ones we call when we lose the baby or have that awful argument with our husbands or feel lonely and lost and scared.  We need those people and they need us, so let’s be brave and take the steps to pour into those friendships.  I promise you’ll be glad you did!

What are some things you’ve seen to be helpful in growing and deepening adult friendships? Please comment below so we can learn from your experience too! 

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Comments

  2. Lauren … the timing on today’s post is fabulous since I’m entering a brand new phase of having to start all over in building relationships since we’ just moved a few months ago. After 38 years in one place, this is hard stuff!

    I’m learning to initiate and not wait around for someone to reach out to me. People are surprisingly friendly when you introduce yourself and tell just a snippet of your story. Yet, I’ll definitely be keeping #7 in the front of my mind.

    But I know, deep in my heart, that the friends 200 miles away will never be replaced. And I’m not even gonna try …

    Hugs to you as we start this brand new week!

    ;-}
    Linda Stoll recently posted…morning invitations * soulMy Profile

  3. I love this post

    I honestly don’t know what I would do without my close female friends to lean on, through money struggles, learning what it means to live with your significant other, job stresses, happy news, baby excitement and woes. It’s so important to work at these relationships and not take them for granted. Love it.

    xxox
    Laura recently posted…Friday Wine-DownMy Profile

  4. I moved away from my hometown a few months ago and I haven’t seen my friends as much since then. We all have different schedules so planning a single meal out together can be a challenge, especially since it involves a lot of driving! I really hope I don’t lose friends over this move!
    Emilie recently posted…Blogging report #2: September 2015My Profile

  5. Really needed this post, Lauren. Thanks you so much! I think the important part is to initiate and be vulnerable. I’m with you. It can be so easy to just stay cozy in the comfort of your own home, but when I do that, I feel like a part of me is missing. If I put myself out there for the day, at least I made an attempt to grow friendships. And we NEED those friendships.
    Chelsea recently posted…8 Habits of Effective ListenersMy Profile

  7. I needed this post badly. I am often pretty timid about initiating and I struggle being candid about my life with people. I think a lot of it roots with issues in being vulnerable and I think you hit the nail on the head with that one!
    Autumn recently posted…my weight loss journey beginsMy Profile

  9. I love this SO MUCH, Lauren! The struggle is very real and I know it too well. Building adult friendships is really difficult, and it takes going deeper into each other’s lives faster than we needed to in college, because we are definitely short on time. I love all your suggestions about asking questions. This is something I struggle to do well in the moment, but brainstorming a few ideas before I hang out with someone really does help.
    Brittany Bergman recently posted…Simplify Meal Planning: Your Guide to Stress-Free MealsMy Profile

  10. This is a great post and excellent tips! I’m an introvert too and love my me-time and hanging with myself. So, I don’t struggle with initiating conversation (to solicit a hangout), but I do struggle with trying to balance my need for me-time and knowing I need to make time for my friends. It’s hard line to tow!!
    Vicky C recently posted…Exploring Bratislava, SlovakiaMy Profile

  11. Thank you Lauren – this is very helpful and I struggle with a few of them. I tend to assume that the people I’d love to get to know better are going to be busy or not as interested in getting to know me

  12. Such practical and great tips for cultivating a long term real friendship. I am blessed with some wonderful friends… I have had to practically slap myself 🙂 🙂 to stop and listen, and really ask questions and listen eye to eye and be there when my friend is in need or in a crisis…. I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older “it’s not all about me”! 🙂

  13. This is such a helpful post. I struggle with this so much. Sometimes I just think I’d be better off with no close friends because I’m so afraid to be vulnerable and share with others. I’m trying with a dear friend of mine right now and it’s really testing me, but I really want to try to maintain it and make it last. Thanks so much for sharing!

    • It’s so hard to be vulnerable and share our hearts because we risk getting hurt but in the long run, I know our hearts need that kind of community. I hope that you’re able to work things out with that friend and/or find some other women who can pour into you and make you feel safe to share your heart!
      Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: An Anniversary And A BumpdateMy Profile

  15. I love this so much, Lauren. Your posts are always so spot on with my life! I haven’t created many deep friendships since college, so I think these tips are really going to help me create more and deepen the ones I do have.
    Shannon recently posted…A Mountain Drive PlaylistMy Profile

  19. This was a great checklist for me to hold up to some of my friendships. Thanks for sharing! I love the idea and it’s true -so many of us struggle in some ways with having deep, authentic friendships. These tips were lovely!

  20. Great tips! As an Army wife, I am making new friends just about every two years… We learn quickly to develop friendship in this lifestyle. Just never know when you are gonna need one! Thanks for sharing. So glad I popped over from the Women with Intention link up today!
    Liz recently posted…God’s Direction is for our ProtectionMy Profile

  22. Fabulous thoughts here! I’ve benefited so greatly from adult friendships and I couldn’t agree with you more. Friendships have strengthened my marriage, by lessoning the load for my husband and not weighing him down with filling that void all on his own. And I really do believe vulnerability is key. It takes bravery to put yourself out there and pursue friendships, but the rewards for our bravery, a team of trusted souls to building you up, encourage and inspire you, is worth every bit of effort.
    Katie recently posted…Be You, Well: The Freedom in Forsaking ComparisonMy Profile

    • Amen about strengthening our marriages. When I have women I can call to share about things and process different emotions I’m able to connect with my husband without expecting him to bear the weight of all my emotional needs! It takes a lot of bravery to reach out but it’s so worth it. Thanks for this beautiful and encouraging comment!
      Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: An Anniversary And A BumpdateMy Profile

  23. Love your post, so helpful! I definitely need to work on the initiate part, and you are right, the effort is so worth it. Thanks for the encouragement!

  24. I’m totally with you on this. I’m definitely the type of person who, when I get home, am completely satisfied to hang out in my pjs and watch TV the rest of the night.

  25. These are wonderful tips! I moved back to the city I grew up in last year – although about 30 min from the actual town – and after 12 years away, most of my friends have moved away themselves. Trying to build new friendships and connect with people on a real level is so much harder in my 30s – especially since I am not in the ‘forced closeness’ social environment of an office! I think #1 is definitely key – most people are lovely and wonderful once you start talking to them, but it often takes that first step towards saying hello.
    Rebecca recently posted…My HeartMy Profile

    • Thanks, Rebecca! That’s so hard, especially when it’s not a natural transition like graduating from college, etc. That first step is so hard! I’ll be praying that you find some real, authentic friends who can support you in this new season!

  26. This is a timely reminder – I am in a season on transition and I really need to invest in getting to know people. I have set aside time each week to meet up with at least one person that isn’t in my close circle of friends. Thanks for the encouragement.
    Belinda recently posted…Write your Last WillMy Profile

  27. Such great tips. I really enjoyed reading this. I’ve found that in the last few years some of my friendships have been changing. Definitely some things to take to heart!