I have always been a journaler, and pouring out my heart to God on the pages of a journal feels as natural as talking to a best friend. I love that God cares enough about my heart to listen to me ramble about all of those crazy emotions swirling around inside of me. I have stacks and stacks of journals with pages filled with everything from the ramblings of a new-to-faith teenager to the confessions, desires, and prayers for my marriage and my still-new adult life.
But when it comes to actually asking for specific, tangible things? I’m not so sure.
My Hesitations with prayer
I know that God loves me and cares to hear my thoughts and processing, but it’s harder for me to believe that He’s all that concerned about my ideas for what shouldn’t and shouldn’t happen with certain people or situations. Why should I pray for certain things to happen when God’s ideas and will are so much wiser than mine? Why should I pray for a certain outcome in a situation when I know that ultimately, whatever happens will be the best thing that could have happened according to God’s knowledge and timing?
The more I talked to the women in my small group about this, we realized a lot of us share this. We love pouring out our hearts to God, but when it comes to asking for specific things about our marriages, our relationships, our faith, or our families, we back off a bit. When our marriages feel distant and challenging on a daily basis, we pray for general feelings like peace and comfort. When a family member doesn’t know the Lord, we pray that God would reach them in His perfect timing instead of for big change SOON. When a friend or child is sick, we pray that God would do whatever His will is, whether or not He heals the sickness. When we start some sort of new endeavor with our friends or families (like this blog), we pray general prayers that it would go according to His will rather than for exactly what we long to see happen.
These prayers are genuine and sweet and acknowledge that ultimately, God’s will and timing will always be good. But if we’re honest? They’re not really expressing our hearts’ desires.
Why I’m Afraid To Pray “Specific” Prayers
The more I talked with my small group women this semester, the more we started to realize that some of our prayers were general not out of a humble recognition of God’s goodness, but rather out of fear. We had prayed for specific things in the past and God hadn’t come through. Our relationships still struggled, friends lost their babies or loved ones, and situations didn’t turn out the ways we longed for. This left us disappointed, sad, and distant from the God who we so desperately longed to know and love. For some of those, those seasons turned into depression, anxiety, and distance from God that we did not want to repeat.
I saw this so much in my last year…I prayed and prayed that God would change and heal a certain part of our marriage, an area where I longed to see my husband and I connect deeply and intimately. But after months and months of praying for one specific thing, God seemed silent. I felt like He was distant and withholding the one thing I wanted, so I got bitter, resentful, and eventually depressed. Like the other girls in my small group, I’ve been disappointed and hurt by God’s responses (or seeming lack of response) to my specific prayers in the past, and want to protect myself from that disappointment by not praying for anything specific enough that God could actually give me a “no.”
In most of my prayers, I pray for general things in an attempt to protect God and myself from my own disappointment.
Why This Kind Of Prayer Makes Doesn’t Make Sense
The more we processed this during our Tuesday night meetings, the more we realized how silly this idea was. We were so scared to express our actual desires to God, that we withheld big parts of our hearts (the hearts HE made) in an effort to protect ourselves from future disappointment. But this doesn’t make sense for a two main reasons.
- The specific desires still exist, even when we don’t express them: Even if we don’t express our desires, they still exist in our hearts and we are secretly disappointed when they aren’t met. Whether or not a friend prays that her pregnancy would be complication free, that desire still exists, and she is still disappointed if something happens to her baby. We can push down and pretend we don’t feel our longings and hopes for our faith, marriages, families, and lives, but underneath it all, they still deepen and grow.
- God already knows these desires: Not only did God create us and put these longings on our hearts, He knows us to the core of our being and hears these things whether or not we verbalize them. He gave us hearts that long for connection, intimacy, comfort, and millions of other things, and those longings in themselves are from Him. Whether or not we write out and express our desires, they exist and God already knows them completely.
What We Miss Out On When We Withhold
Our True Desires From God
When we withhold our real desires from God, we present only part of ourselves to God. We attempt to protect ourselves and God from our disappointment, and as a result, our intimacy and connection with Him aren’t complete. In A Praying Life, Paul Miller describes this through the example of Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane before He is crucified:
“When Jesus prays at Gethsemane “take this cup from me,” he is being real; Christians rush to “not my will, but yours be done” without first expressing their hearts. They submit so quickly that they disappear. […] When we stop being ourselves with God, we are no longer in real conversation with God.”
When we withhold our most vulnerable hopes and desires for ourselves, other people, relationships, and circumstances, we present ourselves to God as we think He wants to see us, instead of as who we are. We submit to him so quickly that we disappear, and as Miller says, “The real us doesn’t encounter the real God.”
Wrestling with the weight and depth of our own disappointment when things don’t go our way can be overwhelming. I’ve faced this in the past and still wrestle with it now. But friends, what are we missing out on when we withhold our real desires, hopes, and dreams from God? Wrestling with Him as we work through our negative emotions is incredibly difficult, but it is in this process that we are changed, transformed, and renewed. It’s in that process that we, like Jacob, see God face to face and experience true intimacy with Him.
The God we follow is big enough to handle our longings and our disappointment, our gratitude and our frustration. What if we valued messy, hard, and honest intimacy with Him over self-protection? What if we trusted that His love for us is big enough to handle our pain and comfort us when things inevitably don’t go our way?
Even when it hurts, even when it means delving into parts of my heart that sting and ache, I want intimacy with God that is messy and full and REAL. I want to trust Him with my longings and my disappointment so I can trust Him with my joy and my gratitude. I want a relationship with God that is real, even when it means a vulnerability that hurts. I want to know Him in authentic ways that can withstand the weight of my disappointment and fears.
And as He holds my real self, the layers of self-protection and fear stripped away, I want to know His comfort, to hear His voice singing over me, “You are deeply loved and cared for, and the story I am weaving in your heart and your life is more beautiful than anything you could have dreamed or asked for.”
What desires have you been withholding from God?
In the spirit of vulnerability and accountability, I’ll share with you lovely friends one of the secret desires of my heart that I have been afraid to admit to God for fear of failure and disappointment these last few months. I’m putting it out there and trusting that no matter what happens, God is big enough to handle my joy or my disappointment, and ultimately He can use both those things for good. Here goes nothing….
Lord, I pray that you would use this blog in big ways. I pray that it would grow to be a place where women can breathe, where they are reminded that they are not alone in their fear, doubt, shame, and struggles. I pray that writing this blog would grow and challenge my intellect, creativity, heart, and relationship with you. And lastly, I pray that this blog would grow into something that we can use to support our family when I stay home with kids. You are good, and I know whatever you do will be good, but these are the things I long for, God, and I place them in your hands.
All right, friends, it’s your turn: Have you ever withheld a desire or prayer from God for fear of being disappointed? What are some of your most honest desires and prayers for yourself, your relationships, your families? How can we hold each other accountable for expressing these desires to God and to ourselves without fear?
A very thoughtful and heartfelt post. I too pray those nice sounding general prayers because if I ask for something specific, something tangible I’m afraid God won’t answer. But this is a foolish and harmful belief, one that seeks to diminish God’s power and lordship and robs me of a deeper relationship with Him. I believe that God is powerful and answers prayers, just not when it comes to me. Let us pray with the rightful expectation that we are heard and we will be answered, one way or another 🙂
Mondays @ Soul Survival
MB recently posted…Why I’m (temporarily) quitting Facebook
Thanks, MB! I totally agree…God is more than big enough to answer our prayers, even if it isn’t always in the way we’d choose. Thanks for stopping by!
Lauren recently posted…What I’m Scared To Ask God For
Gosh, there’s so much wisdom here, Lauren. I’m enjoying getting to know you these days!
There’s something so freeing about pouring our absolutely everything to God … our hurts, pains, hopes, dreams, resentments, fears, gratitude. When I empty myself of myself to the only One who can do something with all the pieces that end up at His feet, there is a release and a space for Him to come and let His will be done in my life.
And isn’t that what we really want? Even if we have to wait for it?
We might as well be honest about absolutely everything because He already knows … and He’s just waiting for us to share it freely.
Thanks for another inspiring post. Have a great week!
Linda Stoll recently posted…3 Things I Loved Most About House Church
Wow, thanks for your sweet and sincere words, Linda! I so agree…there is so much freedom in releasing all of our crazy onto Him and trusting that He will make something beautiful out of it and out of us. Thanks for stopping by!
I so glad I found you today because I’m in the midst of asking God to help me redirect my life also. But I too have felt like I’ve withheld prayers because I’m afraid that God won’t come through. We have been praying about a specific need at our house. Several times I thought God was going to take care of the situation only to see the answer fall to pieces at the last minute. I’ve been hurt and disappointed. I know in my head that God cares for me and has my best interests at heart by I’m having trouble embracing it with my heart. But I will keep walking in the right direction and lean of God because He is all I have. Visiting from Me, Coffee, and Jesus.
Rebecca recently posted…Joy of the Lord !!!!
I’m so glad you enjoyed the post! I’m sorry about your house but I have so been there too. It’s so hard to wrestle with our disappointment and still trust that God loves us and is good in the midst of it all. I’ll be praying for your journey as you keep wrestling with all that and hope that things turn out the way you’d hoped (or even better. God does that sometimes, doesn’t He?) Thanks for stopping by!
Lauren recently posted…What I’m Scared To Ask God For
“I want a relationship with God that is real, even when it means a vulnerability that hurts.” True intimacy requires vulnerability, and I think that’s the part that scares us off. Past hurts teach us to guard out hearts, but those same guards keep us from true freedom. I’m slowly learning His freedom is worth the messiness that can result from vulnerability.
Crystal Storms recently posted…The Sound of His Snoring
Totally agree, Crystal! That risk of vulnerability is so worth the deepened intimacy with Jesus.
Amen! Thank you, Lauren, for sharing your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )
Crystal Storms recently posted…Intentional Tuesday Linkup {Week 24}
Thanks for sharing. I love hearing others perspectives and love what you said about the things we could miss out on. We have been praying for babies for 3+ years and so many people say how persistent I am. I ask for prayer whenever I can. I’m thankful the Lord has given me the faith and like you mentioned – He knows those desires already!
xoxo
Wow, what a beautiful (and I’m sure incredibly hard) example of what it looks like to pray for your hearts’ desire with an expectant heart. I popped by your blog earlier today and am excited to read more about your story. Thanks for stopping by, Caroline!
Wonderful & encouraging post! I want to err on the side of having prayed & asked God for big things. He always hears and answers our prayers. At times, He says, “yes”. Other times, He says, “No”. And other times, He says, “Not yet.” But He always hears & answers our prayers. Grateful to have stopped here from Unite this morning. I think this is my 1st visit & it was wonderful to “meet” you & browse a bit. Blessings!
Joanne Viola recently posted…Life-Giving Words
You’re so right, Joanne…He always answers our prayers, even if it’s not necessarily the answer we’d want. Thanks for your sweet words! 🙂
this wisdom takes me back to a conversation during a surprise mountain weekend in north carolina 🙂 // love you and your heart, and the way God is faithful to answer your biggest questions and use them to refine you (and all da blog readers and me). thanks for sharing your words! xoxoo
That surprise mountain weekend where you and Tail whisked me off for hiking/singing adventures? That was pretty stinking fun. 🙂 Thanks for reading, Hales…grateful for you!
What a great point here. He already knows the specific things of our hearts. I don’t want to withhold them from Him. I want that intimate relationship where I share every detail of my life with him. Thanks for sharing! Visiting from #TellHisStory
Thanks for stopping by, Laura! Amen, sister. 🙂
Meeting you through Testimony Tuesday and so grateful for it. Without getting too personal, can I just testify -YES!? The past week and a half of life for my husband and I have seemed like a huge disaster -and a complete answer to many specific prayers we’ve been afraid to pray! Reflecting on this as I read your post, I realize what got me to move into the specific prayers this week (though I’m typically quite fearful!) was God asking something so specific from me. Like He was showing me that His desires and requests can be that intimate, too! Such a blessing. Thank you for these precious words and sharing your heart! Joining you in prayer tonight : )
I’m so glad you connected! Isn’t it funny how sometimes the answers to our prayers are a million times crazier than we ever could have expected? I’ll be thinking of and praying for y’all and hope that this crazy season does draw you in to intimacy with Him.
I have been intending to come re-read this, as I needed a second time through before commenting and then saw you at TellHisStory and thought, “That’s what I want to read!” I think instead of commenting specifically, what I’m drawn to tell you is that you are on fire lately.
What you are putting out there for others is so full of honest transparency that walks the fine line between telling your story and pointing to His message. In the short time I’ve been getting to know you, I am witnessing God’s work in and through you manifest more and more.
Keep going. But also be warned. This kind of kingdom work can draw kingdom enemies. I’ve told you that I pray for you and now I believe I know why.
I will be praying specifically that you are protected from the enemy’s darts that might discourage you from the path you are on. And if you ever need to talk behind the scenes, please come find me.
This is worth doing. You are good at it. And I see God through your message. Keep walking “little” sister!
C
Christi recently posted…Back to the Future: Talking to Myself
Wow, thank you for those words. That is so encouraging because that is exactly what my heart is for this blog…to share my heart and story in a way that points people to Jesus, even if my posts aren’t always explicitly about Jesus and faith. I’m so grateful for your encouragement and prayers! Thanks for reading and commenting, Christi!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Weakness And Worth
What an insightful post! Now that I think about it, I often pray in generalities, too. If only we would trust God–really trust Him–to be true to His character.
Thanks for pointing this out and for providing direction for how to overcome it!
Shannon @ Of The Hearth recently posted…Meatloaf Parmesan
So true…it takes trusting that God is who He says He is to actually pray those prayers! Thanks for stopping by, Shannon!
Lauren,
I have wrestled with these questions too! I’ve decided to pray the audacious prayers because in that he gets then best part of me — my whole heart. I applaud your courage to put your prayers into words and take them straight to God’s holy hill! When we dare to ask, whether he says yes or no, we can know that we’ve withheld nothing from him, and that’s what he wants — our hearts! Praying with you, friend . . .
Valerie Sisco recently posted…A Break in the Weather
Thanks, Valerie! I love that word “audacious.” That’s the perfect way to describe it! Thanks for stopping by!
Hello, I don’t believe we’ve met. It’s nice to be here. There is much wisdom in your words today. We do often pray ‘safe’ prayers, and I think the reasons you share are pretty accurate. I love your transparency – sharing the honest cry of your heart. I can relate. I want my blog to prosper as well – not for personal success, but so that many would be encouraged to persevere in the challenges they face. I am sharing my story of healing from childhood abuse at incrementalhealing.wordpress.com – some of my posts wander from this main focus, but my intent is to share my journey to encourage and inspire faith. I would love it if you’d visit!
Blessings,
Kamea
I’m so glad you stopped by and connected with this post! It is such a hard balance with blogging because we want to stay true to our heart for our blogs but still have them grow. I’ll have to check out your site! I actually had a friend share a Womanly Wednesday guest post on my blog recently on recovering from abuse and it’s such a hard but important topic. Excited to check out your blog! Thanks for commenting!
Lairen, love what you shared here. I will be sharing this with my prayer group. xo 🙂
Thanks, Lyli! I appreciate that and hope it leads to good, real conversation!
This was so, so good. Yes, I have also sometimes neglected to tell the Lord my true desires, and yes, I think it has something to do with worrying that He won’t answer those prayers. What then? Sometimes the hardest part of our *faith walk* is getting past those times of disappointment with God. Learning how to trust Him, no matter what the outcome. I remember studying about David, after Uzziah died because he touched the Ark of the Covenant. The Bible says specifically that David was angry at God and scared. Sometimes we have to move past our *devastation* – which David did.
I thought of these verses from the Amplified translation of the Bible:
“Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.” (Philippians 4:6)
It’s that *definite requests* part that encourages me to be totally honest with God.
Thanks for this powerful message.
GOD BLESS!
(Here from Tell It To Me Tuesday linkup)
I love that…we have to keep moving forward through the times of devastation, trusting that He is good and present even there. Thanks for stopping by, Sharon!
Beautiful post. I am on a journey with prayer right now and this was enlightening. I’m glad I stumbled upon you at the Soul Survival link-up. Thank you.
Kristi Miller recently posted…The Word at Work with the Wortz’s, Vol.6
Thanks, Kristi! I’m so glad. Thanks for stopping by!
Thanks, Kristi! I hope that journey is sweet and draws you deeper and deeper into God’s heart!
Oh my goodness yes, yes, and more yes! I haven’t read a post with such truth as this one in SO long. I think you nailed it- everything from saying that we hold back our real desires out of fear and our need to share those desires to be REAL and messy with our God. I’m a pediatric nurse and have become accustomed to see some pretty awful things that I don’t really allow myself to even really process some of the time. Because I don’t process those things, sometimes I skip sharing my real desire in prayer and just say, “You will be done Lord”. Your post completely and totally has encouraged me to pray and believe specifically, even if there’s a risk of disappointment. I’m pinning this for later encouragement, thank you so much!
Holy moly, I can so see how being a nurse in those scenarios would make it hard to ask for big things from God. You see so much hurt and grieving, and staying awake to God’s presence and goodness in the midst of that would be so hard. Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a genuine, heartfelt comment!
“God is big enough to handle my joy or my disappointment, and ultimately He can use both those things for good. Here goes nothing….” Oh, so true, Lauren. We do need to be real before the Lord–for our sake not His.
WOW. This is GOOD STUFF. Stuff I needed to read right at the time I needed to read it. Isn’t the Lord amazing how He does that? I’m glad I found you through the Bloggers Group on FB.
Shelby recently posted…21 Days of Gratitude Day 4: God’s Tapestries
Lauren, this was so good. You voiced every thought I’ve ever had in my head {and my heart} while I pray some days… was like holding up a mirror.
So grateful to know we’re all struggling with this, and that He’s waiting for us to really live our trust and desires wholly in Him.
Thanks for your words today! May the God of all bless you bigger than big!
Christine Duncan recently posted…The Awesome Within The Indefinable
Christine, I don’t think I could ever ask for a better compliment than that! My heart is that other women would read about my craziness as I figure this all out and see themselves and Jesus in the midst of that. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Oh yes, I live there! You are so right that it is out of fear even when we want to say it is in humility. Either way, we should ask God for what we want. Thank you for your wise words!
Sarah Donegan recently posted…So Much the Better Children’s Book Review
Thanks for stopping by! It definitely rocked my world a bit when I realized how deeply fear was engrained in my prayers versus trust and expectancy. Thanks for reading!
Gorgeous and insightful thoughts about expecting and expressing your desires with God. I love this!
Thanks, Suzie! I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping by and commenting! I love your linkup and am so grateful for all the things I’ve learned from the women there.
And He already knows….
Powerful
Vulnerable
Raw
Real
Thank you! I need that reminder to be transparent with God. He already knows … Hugs! Susan
Susan Mead recently posted…I’m Done ~ Linkup
Such beautiful words…thanks for stopping by and commenting, Susan!
Beautiful thoughts on praying. I’m stopping by from the Grace and Truth Link Up. I pray boldly for others, but I find myself not asking for things that pertain to me specifically. Not because I don’t think God would answer, I guess because my heart is for others and God knows my heart and what I want. It feels strange to pray for me. Love your post and just passed it to my Twitter and Facebook feeds.
Kim Adams Morgan recently posted…The Response in Charleston
Wow, thanks Kim! I’m so glad you connected with the post enough to share it. I appreciate that! Have a great weekend!
Hi Lauren, beautiful thoughts here. the Lord already knows. I also want to be transparent.
Blessings to you
Ifeoma recently posted…Do you feel forgotten?
I have had some of these same fears of not praying specifically out of the fear of disappointment. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve overcome this to a degree and try harder to pray specifically. And I too pray for my blog! I remind myself that God can’t answer if I don’t ask.
Bev @ TheMakeYourOwnZone recently posted…4 Reasons Why A “No Spend” Month Isn’t For You
I can totally understand where you were coming from. It’s hard to pray for specific thing and be disappointed. However, I’m so glad you came to the realization (and shared with us) that God already knows those specific desires. I guess I’ve never realized that either, so thank you. And thank you for being so open with us. Great post.
Wow, it’s like you reached inside my spirit and expressed what I haven’t been able to. This is me. Right now, in the midst of struggle, this is me. Not wanting to be disappointed, or even afraid that I’m asking the wrong thing if its not His will. So I stop asking. Thank you for helping me see it another way!
I love this post, and I don’t think I realize how often I too pray for more general things as opposed to something tangible. Definitely something I will be paying more attention to after reading this!
Shannon recently posted…#RealTalk: On Being Independently Happy
This is a beautiful post! I relate so much. We just heard a lesson on prayer being an extension of our faith, and there are times when I’m real and it is truly a faithful prayer. But I can see how not being real – just praying for God’s will and not giving my whole heart – isn’t really a faithful prayer. It’s not faithful that God is loving and caring and wants to fulfill my desires, and it’s not really faithful in terms of what I expect to see out of it – which isn’t really anything (out of trying to protect myself from disappointment). I’ve been both ways, but this is definitely going to help me take a look at my prayer life even more closely!
Jenn recently posted…capturing the moment with our little guy
Thank you for your article. It has touched my soul. I guess my relationship with God will be improved because of it. Thank you!
I really needed this today…since forever, actually. Thank you.