Sobremesa Stories

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Six Ways To Stop Arguments From Escalating

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I’m gonna go ahead and say it: Parenthood is probably my favorite show of all time. I love the depth of the characters, the combination of sweetness and silliness, and the complex ways they show so many different parts of marriage and family life.  But in the words of a friend’s husband: “Is Parenthood the show where they’re always yelling at each other?”

While I won’t say that’s true ALL the time…they definitely do yell a bit.  Sometimes when I’m watching the couples in the show argue, I’m amazed by how quickly arguments turn into loud yelling matches where each person shouts their own perspective without actually listening at all to what the other one is saying (especially Crosby and Jasmine.  I love them but their marriage is a hot mess sometimes).
Marriage Conflict Cycle Black and White

The wannabe therapist in me loves analyzing the ways these different couples interact and applying some of that to my own marriage.  Over these last five years of dating and marriage, we’ve definitely learned a lot about who we are as people and our go-to styles of conflict (you can read more about our marriage conflict cycle here).

While we definitely aren’t masters of conflict, our time meeting with older couples, some marriage counseling, and lots and lots of real conversations have helped us to see some practical things we can do to stop arguments from blowing up to the point of full on screaming matches (or like some of our sweet friends have said, arguments where the you-know-what hits the fan and actual stuff starts flying).  Since these things have helped us immensely to stop arguments from escalating, I figured I would share them with y’all!

Six Ways To Stop Arguments From Escalating

Marriage Mission Statement, Bride and Groom in field at sunset, rustic barn wedding

1) Understand Your Marriage Conflict Cycle

If you’ve been dating or married for more than a few months, you’ve probably noticed patterns in how each of you feel and behave during conflict.  Be students of yourself and your partner, and take the time to understand how and why you both act the way you do.  Taking the time to do this BEFORE conflicts arise will help you significantly to work through conflicts faster and with less emotional destruction when they do arise.  To read more in-depth about how we are identifying and working through our own marriage conflict cycle, click here!

2) Process Your Emotions BEFORE You Initiate Conflict

One of the best ways for me to prevent myself from becoming super upset and emotional during conversations is to spend time writing out my feelings and thoughts before I even talk to Jordan.  Sitting down and processing these thoughts with God helps me to separate what emotions are worth confronting Jordan about and which emotions come from a place of my own brokenness and sin (or sometimes a combination of both those things).  Take a walk, journal, and process through your emotions so you can be more prepared to present them to your spouse when emotions are high and vulnerability gets harder.

Wedding Planning Tips Barn Wedding Globe Lights

3) Choose The Right Place And Time To Talk

I think our pre-marital counseling class had some creative acronym for this, but we’ve apparently forgotten it.  Basically, try to start conversations that might escalate quickly when the cards aren’t already stacked against you.  If you’re hungry, late, stressed, or tired, you’re much more likely to blow up for no good reason.  If at all possible, wait to have those hard conversations until your bodily needs are met and you’re less likely to blow things out of proportion (I know this might be harder when kids are in the picture and you’re pretty much always tired, so just try your best to find what times work best for you!).

4) Listen With The Goal of Understanding

This is where it starts to get real, y’all.  When I do my armchair psycho-analyzing of tv show characters (am I the only one?) this is the #1 thing I see.  People are so focused on getting their own point across that they completely ignore their partner, with each person feeling more and more hurt, angry, and misunderstood as the argument progresses (cue the yelling!).  When our goal is only to express our own concerns or feelings, we will miss out on a chance to learn more about our partner and their experience of us, our relationship, and the world.

When we did marriage counseling last year, our counselor recommended that we try to really listen when our partner talked.  Then, when one of us finished talking, the other one would repeat back in their own words what they’d just heard.  It feels silly at first, but this is HUGE because it allows both partners to feel heard without needing to yell or talk over the other person.  Some people pass an object back and forth to make sure only one person is talking (we felt too cheesy to rock this method, but feel free to try it!).  Do whatever it takes to make sure you are listening – not just planning your next rebuttal or attack.

Marriage Conflict Cycle 2

5) Validate What Your Partner Feels (Even If You Disagree!)

Oh man.  #4 might have been big for us in general, but #5 was the biggest one for me.  Even if we don’t mean to, sometimes our attempts to defend ourselves in a situation can make our partner feel completely invalidated in what they’re feeling.  If I was hurt by something Jordan said and he responded by saying, “Well, that’s silly because I never meant to hurt you! I love you!” I’m left feeling dumb and ashamed on top of feeling hurt.  Even though he was just trying to show me his own good intentions and heart, I was left feeling invalidated and embarrassed for my own emotions.

In our pride and our sin, we may not agree with our partner that what they feel is our fault or “right,” but in the big scheme of things, that’s not what matters.  We have to look at who our partner is and at the experiences that make them who they are and shape the way they feel and understand the world.  Then, we can say to them with confidence, “It makes sense that you feel that way, even if I can’t understand it fully or I don’t feel the same.” This doesn’t mean you agree with them about the cause or effects of their feelings, but it validates that what they feel is legitimate and takes them off the defensive to prove their feelings to you.

Love Story Sobremesa Stories

6) Be Willing To Press Pause

Last but not least, if you’ve done all these steps and you still feel yourself getting more and more heated, you might just have to press pause on the argument and take a break for a while.  I could talk about emotions and heart stuff till the cows come home, but it starts to wear on my husband after a while, and sometimes taking an hour, an afternoon, or even a day or two to press pause on an argument can be just what we need to better understand our perspectives and re-approach the topic later.  Marshall and Lily, a couple on How I Met Your Mother (another favorite show of ours) are famous for saying “Pause!” in the middle of an argument so they can make out, go to work, or do another random life task before continuing the argument.  It’s silly but it can help a ton!

I know we’re not supposed to “let the sun go down on our anger,” but I think the idea there is more that we shouldn’t let anger and bitterness stew and grow in our hearts over long periods of time.  If you and your spouse are committed to each other and to working through conflict, then find a good place to stop, say “I love you” and mean it, then  press pause until you are in a better place.  As long as you agree that one of you or both of you will re-initiate when you’re ready to come back and talk, this can be a valuable way to prevent a conflict from becoming angry and hurtful.

Moving Forward

Working through conflict in marriage can be exhausting, especially in seasons where it feels like every other day brings up another hard conversation.  But letting arguments escalate into screaming matches rarely leaves either spouse feeling fulfilled, loved, and ready to move into deeper intimacy with their partner.

Let’s value the hearts and perspectives of our spouses enough to be intentional with the ways we approach conflict: before it happens, during those hard conversations, and after them (you can read about the one thing we always do after an argument here).

When we truly share our hearts, bodies, and souls with another person, conflict is inevitable.  If we can take the steps to make our conflicts as loving, honest, and peaceful as possible, we are one step closer to being fully one and reflecting the heart of the One who designed marriage in the first place.

What do you and your significant other do to keep arguments from escalating? Share any tips below so we can try them too! 

Six Ways To Stop Arguments From Escalating Sobremesa Stories Blog


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Comments

  1. I think the biggest one for us is to just pause! We have to put ourselves in time outs sometimes to come back and talk. It usually isn’t even a big deal when it starts out, it just keeps snowballing because we don’t have a break from it 🙂
    Autumn recently posted…Schwarzkopf Mahogany 4.2 hair dyeMy Profile

    • Thank-you so much for posting this! I read it yesterday and last evening had the best chat ever with my husband of 18 years. No kidding! We have a mountain of decisions to make right now, without going into a lot of detail, we don’t solve problems or plan very well but are learning. I really tried to LISTEN to him without trying to get my points across. WOW, I’m realizing what a loud mouth I’ve been all these years and that he has opinions, I just didn’t listen very well. HUGE light bulb went on for me. THANKS SO MUCH!

  3. Yup, every time we argue I first stop and think about the last time my husband ate. He can definitely get hangry. Also, we’ve been arguing lately and I know its because our bank accounts are low. So, last night we sat down and, instead of arguing or placing blame, we went through our account and figured which things we need to get rid of to help. No arguments, went to sleep fairly happy.

  7. Such a great list! For us, saving the conversation for when we (ahem, I) am not sleepy is a huge help. I don’t do well with little sleep so late night arguments are always a no-go! Parenthood was one of our favorite shows, too. We were sad to see it go. It did always drive me INSANE when they would all yell over each other. It was a part of the show’s environment, but it was so annoying!
    Hayley recently posted…A modern woodland baby shower |Madison’s shower recapMy Profile

  9. Wow! I love this post so much. Thank you for sharing. My husband and I have been married for a little over three months, but we’ve been together for six years. I’ve never even stopped to think about our conflict cycle until now. I will be sharing this with my husband and hopefully we can work together to help lower conflicts and not leave emotional damage behind after a conflict. Thanks again!
    Lizzy Hill recently posted…Back to School PicksMy Profile

  10. Great advice, I agree with all of these! I think knowing you are going to be tired (like with a newborn) helps me to realize that things are feeling like a bigger deal to me because I’m tired as well. Just recognizing the effect of fatigue helps me ignore things sometimes.
    Callie recently posted…The Hardest Thing About Being A SAHMMy Profile

    • It’s definitely good to think about how our current state can impact how we’re perceiving things! We’re expecting our first little one and I have to keep remembering some of my emotions might just be more hormonal than legitimate. It’s definitely hard to find that balance!
      Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: Our Growing FamilyMy Profile

  13. Once again you hit the nail on the head with another marriage post! These are such great tips- all so wise and all things we’ve definitely struggled with over the past couple of years of marriage. I think listening to understand is SO big and then I like the idea of journaling and seeing which emotions I need to take to my husband versus which are just coming from my own sinful nature… so wise! Pause is really hard for me because I feel like I escalate more when I’m left to my own devices… I’m working on it though. Pinning this so that others will find these great tips!

  14. Thank you SO MUCH for this! In Myers-Briggs speak, I’m an INFJ who married an INTJ…so our emotions toootally get the best of us sometimes. I definitely need to do some personal work on processing through my crap before laying it on my husband! Sometimes it’s tough because I love to verbally process through things, but doing that WITH him when it has to do with a conflict in our relationship isn’t the best. 😉 These tips are great and I plan on taking more time to study them, and the rest of your blog! <3

    • I love Myers-Briggs! I’m a borderline INFJ/ENFJ, so I feel your pain 🙂 It’s important to find a balance with processing before so we can be more present and less anxious when we’re actually sharing! Thanks for your sweet words and thoughtful comment!
      Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: Our Growing FamilyMy Profile

  15. I needed this! I get so upset in arguments. Joe is a conflict avoider and I once wrote a post about how beneficial that is to me. He refuses to talk to me when I get heated and angry, he’ll just walk away. Which really makes me more angry… but having that time to cool off is beneficial to both of us.
    Amberly recently posted…The Real Threat to Our Marriages and FamiliesMy Profile

  16. This is such a beautiful post and one that I really needed to read! I’m so guilty of getting overly upset at my fiancé when we have an argument. We haven’t gone through our counseling yet, but I am excited for it. This post really caused me to think about how I handle some things and some great ideas to help “fight better” in the future. thank you so much for sharing this!
    Kaycie recently posted…God is Able // An IntroductionMy Profile

  17. Oh my gosh, YES to the Parenthood reference! When I read your blurb on Facebook, I immediately thought of Parenthood. The fighting is so dramatic — and the characters never have to carry a huge load of groceries into the house (who picks up just one bag at the store?). But all that aside, amazing show. 🙂 Also, great tips on how to handle real-life conflict. I think seeking the other person’s perspective/validating their emotions is the best way to keep the defenses down, and when we’re not in a place to do that, pressing pause is so important.
    Brittany Bergman recently posted…6 Uncomfortable Pregnancy Symptoms No One Warns You About (And How to Deal with Them)My Profile

  18. All good points. I’ve found what helps me is making sure my husband knows I will talk to him, but I need to sort out what I want to say first. It takes me awhile, and I want to make sure he gets the logical and rational thoughts, not the coming off the top of my head might say something I regret words.
    Cori recently posted…Standardizing Planner Ring NumbersMy Profile

  21. I love this! Parenthood was an AMAZING show. I am so sad it is over. I also love Lilly and Marshall’s pause. It is so hard to do at times, but man is it important. You have so much wisdom in your little, young body. I have sure enjoyed reading your blogs and getting to know you better. You are such a kind, caring, and compassionate young woman. Proud to call you friend!
    xoxo

  23. These are such great tips, Lauren! Reading through them I’m reminded so much of our premarital counseling. We used to do this thing where we’d ask for time for “heart talk” which helped us both to know that we had something we wanted to share that was sensitive and needed the other person’s full attention. I really feel like we set up our marriage on a great foundation when it came to arguments and handling conflict and I’m so thankful we did!
    Madison | Wetherills Say I Do recently posted…5 Ways to Add Protein to Your Pregnancy DietMy Profile

    • Thanks, Madison! I feel like that would be so smart for my husband especially because he tends to get overwhelmed and feel attacked if I ambush him with all sorts of crazy emotions and thoughts (pregnancy definitely doesn’t help with that one). I’m so glad y’all were able to do premarital counseling!
      Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: Our Growing FamilyMy Profile

  26. Arguments with no resolutions was definitely a big problem in my last relationship. I think if we would have read this it definitely help. My problem was definitely not validating how my partner felt and not willingly to put a pause on the argument. I always want to hashout everything at once, I realize now that it’s not a great technique. Such a great post, really helps me evaluate how i handle arguments and conflict.
    Jazmine recently posted…5 Tips For Back To SchoolMy Profile

  28. I so love this! I’m getting married in March and I’ll be coming back to read this. I loved all of it but especially number two. If one of us is mad/upset, we’ll let the other one know we’re not trying to ignore them but we need to figure out how we feel so we can have a productive conversation about it. It really helps!
    Carrington Fussell recently posted…Best Summer Ever {Part One}My Profile

  29. I think the biggest thing we have found help is honesty. Saying the hard-to-hear stuff and knowing we can trust each other to be truthful. BUT that is only possible without hurt if you do the in-between heated discussions stuff and that is the part we have been working on the most. We are trying to create a home environment where honesty can exist by affirming the love and having Jesus at the center and part of discussions daily. We have discovered that having the atmosphere where the tough stuff can exist without hurt makes it easier and prevents it escalating 🙂 #RaRaLinkUp
    Sarah Travis recently posted…Stay in Alignment!My Profile

  30. Yes, Lauren! So good. We have been practicing these over these last few years and what a difference. Even with children we can find a way to be intentional about our discussions and thereby teaching them a better way to have disagreements. Wish we were always perfect and it’s usually me, but yes. All the yes and thank you. ?
    Ashley recently posted…The Truth of the Back to School TearsMy Profile

  34. Yes, ma’am. The Bradford communication model starts with This is what I heard.

    Then progresses through This is how that makes me feel. This is what I need. Can we do that? (this is from memory, so not exact quotes of the words, but the general idea for each of the 4 components of powerful effective communication.)

    POWERFUL for ALL communication, regardless of the relationship!
    Thanks for your insight! Susan
    Susan B Mead recently posted…A Slice of Bread ~ LinkupMy Profile

  35. Relationships can be really tough and I feel is one of the hardest things God uses to refine us, who knows us as intimately as our spouse/partner. Two points that I am becoming more aware of for myself and my husband is this:

    1) Not to over-focus on emotions, I love the way that you say that you journal about your feelings prior to engaging in talk as this helps so much but I find that men find this harder to do as they don’t often given themselves space, opportunity or permission to process.
    2) Remember the good times – we often get narrowed vision when upset, I try my best to not make it something that is universal or personal and try to point out to hubby when he says things like a sweeping statement instead of focussing on the here and now.

    God bless you and thank you for your really insightful points
    Florence Achama recently posted…How Much Faith Do You Need to Meet Your Future Husband? {Guest Post}My Profile

    • Yes, journaling has been huge for me! My husband does better if he has a chance to go on a run or a bike ride or something to let his emotions settle and kind of process them without thinking, if that makes sense. I love your second point too! It’s so important to think about all the good thing sin our marriages and the reasons why we love when when things get hard! Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
      Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: Our Growing FamilyMy Profile

  36. First of all, the pictures of your special day are absolutely beautiful. I wish I could get married again just to have the fun of capturing that love in technicolor. 😉 We will be celebrating 25 years soon, perhaps we can do something fun like that.

    Secondly, going into marriage or living in these first years with this knowledge is a true asset and blessing. I went into marriage having NO clue how to be a wife and when the title of mom was even more difficult.
    Experience is usually the best teacher.
    Sometimes I find myself escalating in volume.
    But again..experience and maybe a lot more of that suggestion of listening and validating others and just making the choice to LOVE..LOVE..LOVE, it made the desire to say what I want to be heard less. And I am learning, still a work in progress, that LOVE always wins and because I love these precious people so much, that is by far much more important.
    I am so thankful God is not done with me and is leading me to learn this valuable lesson of loving and living close in that.
    Blessings!
    Dawn
    Dawn recently posted…Leaving the Bench BehindMy Profile

    • Aww you’re so sweet! I think a photoshoot like that could be so fun!

      So much truth in what you said…I’ve learned SO much in the last two years, so I can’t even imagine how much you’ve learned in 25 years! Thanks for sharing your experiences. I’m grateful to meet other wives fighting the good fight for intimacy and growth in their marriages!
      Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: Our Growing FamilyMy Profile

  37. Thank you for this wonderful post! This gets at so many of the things that I struggle with in conversations with my husband that we feel like we sometimes just aren’t able to fix. I really want to try to stop and think about all of these things, and I really think you’re right that it will make such a big difference. They are just ways of living out 1 Corinthians 13 : )

  39. Great thoughts and insights, Lauren. Your counseling taught you a great deal. Thanks for sharing back at Wedded Wed as well.

    • Thanks, Beth! Counseling definitely shaped a lot of how we interact and face conflict. I’m grateful for that! Thanks again for hosting and encouraging women to fight for their marriages!