Sobremesa Stories

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Two Things To Do Before A Major Life Transition

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I received a message from a reader and friend a few months back that has stuck with me as our first baby’s due date’s gotten closer and closer.  She said something along these lines: “My husband and I are so grateful to be pregnant and can’t wait to have our first little one this year.  But as we soak in some slow mornings together, date nights, and just plain alone time, I can’t help but be a little sad about the major life transition headed our way.  I’m sad to leave that time behind.  I’m going to miss all the time we had together just us but I feel so selfish and guilty even saying that out loud. Is this normal?”

My answer was a resounding, 100% YES.

For a long time, I’ve been a little bit embarrassed and confused by my own reactions to big life changes and transitions.  I worry about how I should feel in a certain situation like graduating, moving, getting married, getting pregnant, etc, and when my emotions don’t match what I expect to feel, I feel ashamed that something’s wrong with me.

If you'll be experiencing a big life change soon, these two things to do before a major life transition will help you to move forward in a healthy, joyful way.

Our Complicated Hearts

Our hearts are incredibly complicated things – jumping from emotion to emotion or sometimes experiencing multiple, conflicting feelings at the same time.  When big life transitions come, it makes sense that it would take us a while to process them and understand what our reactions to those transitions tell us about ourselves, about our relationships, and about how we view and understand God.

When I graduated college, I was deeply sad to leave the community of people who had shaped me, loved me, and taught me what it looks like to follow Jesus over those formative years.  But at the same time, I was more than ready to live in the same city as my then long-distance boyfriend (now husband) and my heart ached to be near him.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was both excited and terrified. Like I shared in this post, I wrestled with shame when pregnancy felt surreal and underwhelming.  As we near the end of this pregnancy and prepare to grow our family to include a sweet baby boy named Caleb, my emotions have been all over the place once again. I’m so excited to meet him, but I’m also a little nervous about all the changes it will bring to our family.

The same transitions that bring our life purpose and direction can also confuse us, scare us, and lead us into seasons of grief as we process the loss of an old season and the beginning of a new one.

What To Do Before A Major Life Transition

When those big transitions come and life seems to be changing at a million miles an hour, I’m learning to give myself two very important things: grace and space.

First, I’m giving myself SPACE to process.  I’m saying no to commitments that would fill our schedule and drain us emotionally so that we have space to let our souls rest and expand in this current season (Check out this post to hear about how we say no to busyness even when it’s hard!).  I’m setting aside time to journal, read, and reflect about what these first few years of marriage have been like and how things might change in the years that follow.

I’m being intentional to spend time with people who ask me real questions and give me a safe place to share my thoughts and process without judgement or shame. I’m giving myself space and freedom to grieve the loss of this current season, even as I celebrate the arrival of a new one.

It’s so easy to fill the time before a major transition with all the crazy details and tasks that need to get done, but we have found over and over that the crazy season before any change is when we need quiet and rest the most.  Sometimes the gift of a quiet, intentionally empty day (or lots of empty days!) is what our hearts need the most, and choosing to give ourselves that time is the best choice we can make.

If you'll be experiencing a big life change soon, these two things to do before a major life transition will help you to move forward in a healthy, joyful way.

Second, I’m giving myself GRACE. When I find that safe space to process, sometimes the things that come up are anything but pretty.  I wrestle deeply with shame about who I am and my abilities to do the things God calls me to do.  My mind spins with a million fears about what’s to come and I don’t trust in God’s promise to be with me in the challenges ahead.

But even when those “ugly” thoughts come, I’m learning to give myself grace. It’s okay for me to grieve and be sad when changes come.   It’s okay for me to have what other people might call a selfish, ungrateful, or fearful thought because you know what? I’m human, and like I wrote about in this post, shaming myself or letting others shame my feelings does nothing to move me toward hope and contentment.

Instead of falling into shame,  I’m lifting up those selfish thoughts to the One who gives us grace upon grace, who holds the brokenness and messiness of our hearts in tender, scarred hands and starts to mold it all into something beautiful.

I’m trusting that in all my fears and shame, God is still good, that He can still do beautiful things in me and in my heart.  I’m trusting that He will use my brokenness and vulnerability to draw other people into Himself, to point them to the Only One who can calm the fears and give them the hope and fullness they desperately long for.

Grace And Space In The Transitions

From graduations and big moves to weddings and babies, our lives are full of transitions that keep us moving forward, growing, and changing.  If we don’t give ourselves the space to process these transitions and the grace to feel whatever we feel without judgement in those situations, we’ll struggle to move forward and embrace whatever comes next (like I wrote about in this letter to myself at graduation about the challenging years ahead).

If you’re like us and a big life transition is headed your way, I hope you’ll give yourselves space and grace in abundance like we are.  Let’s grieve the loss of our current season and all the joys it held then move forward to celebrate whatever comes next.  Before we know it, we’ll find ourselves moving into each new season with confidence and joy, carrying with us the sweet memories of where we’ve been as we move into the next season, trusting fully that God can and will do good things.

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Comments

  1. I think you really hit the right point/focus when you point out that grace is the way through life transitions. Grace is such an important piece of the puzzle, as we give and receive and accept it.

    I found that during this last pregnancy, grace was part of the path for me, as well! I look forward to seeing Caleb as you choose to share him with us readers! 🙂
    Kendall Patton recently posted…Intentional Blogging with the Blog StaycationMy Profile

  5. Space and grace! I love that. So so true and necessary. I wrestle with the “selfish” concerns of giving up all that we’ve got right now every time I think about when to try for babies. It’s been so fun following along with you on this journey and seeing you be real and full of grace in this situation. I hope I’ll be the same way some day 🙂 Excited to chat soon!
    Kelsie recently posted…Rustic Dining Room RevealMy Profile

  7. YES. Even though I’m not pregnant or anywhere near that, I’m definitely nearing my college graduation date, or even as Brandon is in between jobs, there’s something that makes my heart ache about life changes. But this post was so perfect and comforting to my soul. You have a way of just bringing peace with your writing, Lauren! So talented!

  8. What a lovely way to start my Monday morning. I’m learning to understand more and more what having and giving grace truly means, and I’ve done so through reading YOUR BLOG. You are very real and inspiring, Lauren. Thanks for teaching me and for the great reminderse.
    Lindsay recently posted…How I Got Published on Huffington PostMy Profile

  9. I love this, Lauren. One of my dear friends is really struggling with being a new mom, and I’m seeing how important it is to prepare for that transition. So many people only focus on the joys of a new child, and rarely mention how tough this season change can be. I look forward to witnessing and supporting you through this transition, friend!

  11. I love this so much. Grace is so important and it will continue to be after you have the baby, believe me. Even with Bear being our sixth, I still have moments of “is this a mistake?!”.

  12. This is really beautifully said. Transitions are challenging and really we have no idea how we’ll respond until it happens to us. My mom shared with me many times growing up how she went through a season of depression right after getting married as the transition of spending her free time (as they were roommates) with girlfriends no longer could be her reality. It took a bit to find their new rhythm as a couple.
    Catherine Short recently posted…A Southern SnowfallMy Profile

  13. Major life changes usually make me panic (not a huge fan of change), and then I get a little sad, too. It’s totally normal. Life -and marriage- is very different after you have kids, but you’re absolutely doing the right thing by enjoying and savoring every moment of it. This is a beautiful post!
    Samantha recently posted…What No One Tells You About Potty TrainingMy Profile

  14. Amazing advice, friend. I’ve definitely struggled with coping with major life changes in the past. I didn’t when Dave and I got married, but I definitely did when I graduated college and moved away from all of my college friends. I know that if Dave and I decide to have kids, that’s going to be a difficult adjustment for me as well. Right now I love that it’s just the two of us, and I selfishly don’t want to share our time yet. But I suppose that when I feel ready to share our time, I’ll know I’m ready to be a mom!
    Erin @ Very Erin recently posted…Why You Need a Content Calendar for Your BlogMy Profile

  15. Love this. I was definitely terrified of becoming a mother. I think I was also so scared of the pregnancy too. Becoming a parent is one of the biggest life changes you can go through, and I think your advice is perfect. I wish I would have read something like this when I was going through tough times. I think this will really help other mothers/mothers to be.
    Shann Eva recently posted…Micro Preemie Monday and NasirMy Profile

  16. It’s most certainly a huge change but I think you are ready as can be, you will handle it gracefully! You’re going to be an awesome mom. Are there challenges ahead? YES. Are you and your husband going to face them together? Oh yeah. You’ve got this. And in your moments that you are weak, seek God and your husband for some extra care. 🙂

  17. I love this! My two good friends just bought a house together an hour away. I’m so going to miss seeing them every weekend! But I’m also super happy for them 🙂

  18. All I can say is that I read this post and nodded my head the ENTIRE way through!! Thank you so much for sharing and I couldn’t agree more- space to process and grace for the transitions in life are what are so needed!! Thank you so much for sharing with us!!!!
    Rebecca recently posted…Blogging Advice: Three Years Later…My Profile

  19. I love this!! I never really thought about this but I think it’s very important to do. If I would have done this for important changes in my life it would’ve been easier. Good luck on your new journey. I wish you nothing but happiness.

  20. I absolutely love this: Space & Grace. I am going to tell myself that all the time- not just before transitions. I’ve been having a real problem with anxiety, and I think it is because I expect too much of myself in the new things I am a part of this year.

    Thanks so much for writing such an awesome post!

    • Thanks, Holly! I’m doing well and hope you are too. Babies are a huge transition with so much joy and I hope you love all that grace and space! 🙂