Sobremesa Stories

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The One Thing To Do When Marriage Feels Hard

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When we got married, we knew it would be hard at times. We’d had plenty of wise, seasoned couples warn us that while marriage has its share of sweet, joyful moments, it will also stretch, break, and grow us in ways we never could have imagined. Oh man, have we seen this to be true.

We’ve wrestled with what it looks like to support each other in times of depression. We’ve struggled with the reality that physical intimacy is really hard and confusing at times. We’ve worked to love each other in the midst of our personality differences, different hobbies, and a million other things (you can check out the archive of my marriage posts here).

And as we’ve shared life with other couples and read all of the your comments here on this blog, we’ve been reminded over and over again that we’re not the only ones who struggle in our marriages. This combining of hearts, souls, bodies, and lives is beautiful and challenging, and it seems like just about every married couple we know struggles with it in some way.

The one thing you should do when marriage feels hard - love this advice!

When Marriage Isn’t A Priority

The fact that marriage is hard isn’t the only common theme we see in our conversations with our married friends. Another statement we hear over and over again is something along these lines: “Yes, our marriage is really hard right now. We’re struggling with __________ and we feel distant or angry or sad, but we really just don’t have time to deal with it right now. We’re really busy with __________ and jumping into these issues is just too much.”

Oh my goodness, my sweet friends, can I just start by saying that I SO feel you on this one? When Jordan and I got married, it seemed like we were just so BUSY. I was working full time and taking night classes several nights a week and Jordan was student teaching and occasionally working nights as a server in a restaurant. When I started to wrestle with depression and we started to see some issues with intimacy in our marriage, we put off really diving in for months. It just didn’t feel like we had time to open that can of worms and put in the work we’d have to do to get to the bottom of some of the issues that were starting to pop up.

Life absolutely comes in seasons, and sometimes those seasons of busyness are inevitable. I completely understand why people let intentional marriage fall to the wayside.

Here’s where I get scared. When we say we’re putting off really jumping into those issues in our marriage until we have more time, we assume that someday we will actually “have more time.” And friends, is that ever the case?

The one thing to do with your spouse when marriage feels hard - love this advice!!

It seems like as soon as we finish one busy season, the next season quickly follows. From seasons of school and career-building to pregnancy and raising littles, there is always something we could justify pouring lots of time and energy into. Those things are good and important things that we do need to tend to, and I don’t think at all that we need to completely abandon them to spend time solely with our spouses.

But with the divorce rates as high as they are, I wonder if our strategy of putting off working on our marriages isn’t actually working. Maybe the time to work on our marriages isn’t in the future when our jobs are set, when our kids are older, and life finally feels “easy.”

The One Thing To Do When Marriage Feels Hard

In 2016, I propose that we do things a little differently. When marriage is hard and our spouses seem distant or angry or just plain exhausting, let’s stop turning on Netflix and ignoring the problem. Let’s do the one thing that it seems like the majority of our country isn’t doing with our marriage struggles: let’s lean in.

Let’s lean in to the fact that marriage is hard and start really exploring why that is. Let’s set aside time we don’t have for real conversations with our spouses on a regular basis, for date nights even when they seem frivolous and we don’t have time or money to spare. Let’s lean into the bitterness and frustration that have slowly built walls between us and the person we walked down the aisle to, doing whatever it takes to break down those walls and meet our broken, vulnerable husbands and wives where they huddle hurting on the other side.

Let’s say no to activities and commitments that take us away from our spouses and our families unnecessarily, knowing that saying that hard “no” to some good things means we get to say a sweet and beautiful “yes” to the best things.

Let’s put our time (and even our money) into marriage counseling, whether with wise, seasoned couples whose marriages we admire or with licensed counselors who can help us do the hard work of peeling back the layers of hurt that have built up over the years.

When the world and our fragile, fearful hearts tell us to back away, to turn on the TV and avoid the growing distance in our marriages, let’s do just the opposite: let’s lean in close.

Our marriages matter, and even when its overwhelming and scary, my prayer is that we would lean in to the hard and broken places in our hearts. I pray that we would put our marriages first, knowing that a solid marriage is the foundation for solid families, joyful hearts, and so much more.

In 2016, let’s be the brave people who lean in when marriage is hard, who fight the good fight for intimacy and joy in our marriage that is real, hard-won, and oh so worth it.

When marriage feels hard, this one thing can make all the difference. Great marriage advice here!

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Comments

  3. I absolutely love this! We have made a lot of promises and turned down a lot of things so God, each other and our kids. One of our main things this year is keeping the Sabbath day Sabbath; we aren’t doing any things outside of family time and Jesus things. It’s gotten harder as the kids get older and more involved in sports…but we refuse. ;). I love this Lauren!
    Lauren Jane recently posted…The Never Ending Sex TalkMy Profile

  4. I love this! I was so curious as to what that “one thing” would be but I think you hit the nail on the head. Beautiful post. It’s so important that couples encourage other couples in this way

  9. Beautiful post, Lauren – I really like the advice to “lean in” – this is the absolute truth and I needed this reminder! And you are exactly right, there isn’t’ ever the “perfect” time to work on things!

  10. Thanks so very much for this post Lauren! After a pretty exhausting (and at times frustrating) holiday season, this was exactly the words I needed to hear. My husband and I are not finding time to talk all of our issues out and we absolutely need to do so. Thanks again!

  11. Thanks for being so open about your marriage. You are definitely not the only ones that go through hard times and it is so important to remember to lean in and remember what’s important.

  12. This is so great to read. We’ve been married over a year and some days it does feel hard but this is so true.

  13. I love this, Lauren– I recently heard someone say that when doubt begins to arise, pull in close. When we doubt God’s word, pull in close. When we doubt those we love, pull in close. It’s so hard to do, but as you say, it’s the path to healing. Your blog is so full of beautiful moments and vulnerability, I’m inspired!
    Daisy @ Simplicity Relished recently posted…The 5 Secrets of Powerful SpeechMy Profile

  14. I feel like all of your marriage posts easily relate to my relationship with Cory in one way or another! Yeah, we’re not married, but there are still rough patches that we go through, especially when it comes to my anxiety and depression. Yesterday, I actually came up with this same conclusion that avoiding my feelings will just make me and the situation so much worse. I’m so glad you’re vowing to lean in more too because that will only help things!
    Amanda recently posted…Easy Ways to Get Healthy This YearMy Profile

    • That totally makes sense! Anyone in a long-term committed relationship can learn and grow from marriage advice (or at least that’s how we felt when we were dating too!). I love how open you are about your struggles with that and I’m sure your openness is something that makes your relationship grow so much deeper!
      Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: Husband Crafts And Best Friend VisitsMy Profile

  15. Lately when I get upset with my husband I take a step back and think about it, do I really need to be angry with him over “name anything tiny” so rather than immediately complaining or being annoyed with him for something small I step back and look at it to see if it’s something worth being angry over… 9.5 times out of 10 it’s not worth being mad at him over.

  17. I love this! I remember when we went to a friend’s house after our first few months of marriage and we were so relieved when another couple had a disagreement with each other. Every marriage has different challenges, but being vulnerable and leaning into each other makes the difference!

  20. What a powerful post, Lauren! I always admire your approach to marriage. You have wonderful advice to share. We should be leaning into our marriage 100% of the time!

  21. Lauren, you write such powerful and IMPORTANT posts about marriage and I think everyone should read them! When Dustin and I first got married, we were all over the place. We were ships passing in the night and trying to find a balance between being married and still being individuals and any problems that cropped up we avoided like the plague because we thought if we admitted to the problems, we would be admitting that our marriage was failing. Of course, we now realize that marriage is hard work and in order to have a healthy marriage, we have to lean in and nip those problems right in the bud!
    Chelsie recently posted…The 2015 Blog Report: What Worked, What Didn’t and What’s ChangingMy Profile

  22. You always have such amazing posts! I couldn’t agree more with this post. My husband and I try really hard to not push aside things that are bothering us and talk about them in the moment. My husband is definitely better at holding me accountable in the moment but I think that because of him we have great trust and communication in our relationship.
    Chandler recently posted…New Years Motto | Be MindfulMy Profile

  23. This is so beautiful and such an amazing reminder. I know that in my marriage, both of us have had times when we’ve been so busy and worried about our own jobs and struggles. Sometimes we need to remember that we’re in those moments together and we can always use each others support. Thanks for this, Lauren!
    Shannon recently posted…The Shanndelier Journal, Vol. 3My Profile

  24. One rule put in our marriage to avoid an argument to continue for days is “Never Going To Bed Mad”. It has saved us so many times and has kept us talking about our marriage more. I know we really need to work on prioritizing our marriage and really making it a must to have dates even if they are at home. I also need to learn to say “no” to commitments. Thanks for the amazing post.
    Ashley recently posted…Expert Bloggers Talk: Helene In BetweenMy Profile

  26. Beautiful! I am totally going to “lean in” with my marriage 🙂 because it is hard sometimes but it’s also the best thing ever a lot of the time and definitely worth fighting for!