Sobremesa Stories

Letting stories unfold around the table

Why It’s Dangerous To Shame Another Woman’s Feelings

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Since I started blogging last April, I’ve tried to be intentional about what I choose to post about.  I never want to write in a way that seeks to incite controversy just for the sake of inciting it. It seems like the internet isn’t a safe place to disagree with people while still loving them so I’ve just avoided more opinionated posts.  But when I read 2-3 articles with similar messages over the last few weeks, I got a little upset.  So with all the grace in the world and knowing that not everyone will agree with me on this one, I decided to respond.

Here’s a very short summary of one of the articles (and the other two were pretty similar):  The author was out at a public place and overheard a pregnant woman talking to a friend.  The pregnant woman was sharing about her pregnancy and told her friend that she had cried when she found out they were having another boy.

Why It's Dangerous To Shame Another Woman's Feelings In Pregnancy

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What To Do When You Feel Like A Fake Grownup

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When I would watch movies of adults living out their marriages, families, and careers, I felt like they had figured out the secret to being a grownup.   I imagined that when I graduated or got married or got my first job, I would feel capable and mature like they did and would be more than ready to take on the challenges that each of these new life stages would bring.

But when those big life milestones came and went and I kept moving forward into adulthood, I didn’t magically feel grownup and confident.  I just felt like the same me I’d always been, except I was wearing a graduation cap or a wedding dress or staring shocked at a positive pregnancy test at 4 AM on a July morning.

On Feeling Like A Fake Grownup Pregnancy Announcement

Source: Haley George Photography

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Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post on Finding Hope In Illness

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Welcome to this week’s Womanly Wednesday!  This week’s post is by the lovely Liz Sievert (formerly Liz Powell).  I met Liz through a church small group last year and was immediately struck by how friendly, caring, and pretty much hilarious she is.  She has a steady wisdom to her, the kind of wisdom that comes when someone has wrestled deeply with the Lord about who she is and come to the hard-won conclusion that she is fully known and deeply loved no matter what. It has been a joy to get to know Liz these last few years and it is an honor to have her sharing her words on the blog today!  Also, be sure to check out Liz’s blog for more beautiful stories about her everyday adventures in life, faith, and marriage.

“Wholeness is brokenness owned and thereby healed.”  -Brennan Manning

Womanly Wednesday Hope In Physical Brokenness Bride

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Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Anxiety

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Thanks for stopping by for this week’s Womanly Wednesday Guest Post! Today’s post is by my friend Jenny Hall.  I met Jenny (a fellow California girl!) before we started our freshman year at Davidson College, and have learned so much from the brave ways she has reached out to other people and to God to wrestle with deep questions of who she is and what it looks like to live her faith and her life well.  She is an incredibly passionate person who loves deeply, feels deeply, and runs after the things she loves with everything she has.   I am so grateful to have her vulnerable, funny, and beautiful words on the blog today.  

Womanly Wednesday Anxiety Oxford Jenny

There was a time in my life when I thought a lot about my armpits. I planned my outfits carefully. Sleeveless tops were best, obviously, but if I had to wear sleeves then I most definitely needed a sweatshirt on hand – even in 100 degree Southern California summers. It takes a lot to sweat through a sweatshirt.

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Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post on Abuse and Rescue

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As part of our Womanly Wednesday series, I’ll be sharing guests posts by different women who are bravely putting their hearts and stories out there for you to read.  And friends, this girl is the bravest.  I met Annie my freshman year in college, and her story is one of the clearest examples of God’s relentless pursuit of our broken, hurting hearts.  She is radiant, with a joy and heart for people and adventures that absolutely shines and lights up whatever room she walks in.  I bawled reading this post about how she found healing and hope in the midst of abuse and pain, and it is an honor to have her sharing her heart on the blog today.  

Womanly Wednesday

Mine is a story of abuse and utter despair.  It is a story of hopelessness and pursuit of worldly success that has no ultimate value; a chasing after the wind.  It is a story of redemption, of God’s saving grace, of the Lord’s unfailing pursuit of a girl who bolted the other way – and his ability to capture and comfort even the most broken-hearted.

Maybe it’s a story you can relate to – perhaps not with the nitty gritty details, but with the heart of the matter.  The insecurities.  The shame.  The confidence in no one and nothing but myself.  The futile attempts to pick myself up by my bootstraps, without realizing that I had no firm foundation to place those boots on.  The slow realization and denial of the simple fact that if your efforts are all that you rely on, you won’t stand for long when the terrain beneath those boots morphs to shifting, sinking sand.

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How I’m Finding Freedom From Shame (A Three-Step Process)

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“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”  

Brené Brown –The Gifts of Imperfection

Finding Freedom From Shame - Sobremesa Stories

The first time I remember feeling shame, that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that something’s wrong with me, was in middle school.   I struggled in my relationships with girl friends, and remember one particular conversation with a girl friend who told me she didn’t want me around when the boy she liked was there because I was “too much,” and when I was my full self I was “obnoxious.”  I know that those words came out of a place of her own insecurity and fears, but they impacted me deeply.

I started to believe that who I am is obnoxious, that I needed to tone down my personality, my happiness, my intelligence, and myself in general to be liked and even loved by others.  I desperately sought attention from boys, believing that giving them my body and my heart was the only way to overcome my “obnoxious” personality and be “loved” the way I was longing for.  When I compromised my boundaries and values to make them happy, I felt an even deeper sense of disappointment and shame.

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Creating Our Marriage Mission Statement

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“Marriage has the power to set the course of your life as a whole. If your marriage is strong, even if all the circumstances in your life around you are filled with trouble and weakness, it won’t matter. You will be able to move out into the world in strength.”

Tim Keller – Meaning of Marriage

How to Create your Marriage Mission Statement - Sobremesa Stories

When Jordan and I got married, we knew we weren’t signing up for a lifetime of romance and forever happiness.  We were lucky to have couples of all ages loving us, asking us hard questions, and speaking truth to us..  As we spent time with these people, one thing consistently stood out: these couples whose love had stood the test of time, tragedy, and trials of all sorts firmly believed that their marriages had a much bigger purpose than their “happiness.”  These people trusted that their marriage was something God would use to shape them, to draw them to Him, and to paint a picture to the world of His love, joy, and commitment.

After the chaos of the wedding faded and the daily realities of marriage began to sink in, we wanted to revisit the things we had admired in those married couples who had counseled and inspired us.  We decided to spend some time processing our dreams, values, and goals for our marriage, hoping that through writing out these thoughts, we could come up with a mission statement that summarized a bigger picture and purpose for our marriage.

We sat down together and started to brainstorm, focusing mainly on these questions:

  • Ideally, how do we want to relate to each other? What action words, ideas, and concepts repeat as we describe what we want our marriage to look like?
  • Who are some couple whose marriages we admire? What do we admire about them? How do we feel when we walk into their home or spend time with them and why do they make us feel that way?
  • What things or ideals do we value in life in general? How do we want our marriage to express these values to each other and to other people?
  • When other people walk into our home and sit around our table, how do we want them to feel? When they get into their car to drive away, what do we want them to say or think as they leave?

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Sobremesa Stories

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La Sobremesa: The time spent at the table after a meal; laughing, talking, and sharing stories with the people around the table.

Sharing Stories around the table, Outdoor Dinner Party, Sparkling Lights, Lanterns, Globe Lights

Ever since I was a little girl watching the grownups sip their wine and share old stories around the dinner table, I have felt a certain magic in the moments after a meal:  crumbs of dessert scattered across plates, candles burning low, and conversation turning to laughter and memories.  I loved hearing my dad reminisce about his travels through Europe (complete with many spot-on accents), my mom’s loud and contagious laugh, and the back and forth of neighbors and friends discussing everything from the latest Angels baseball season to the brokenness and hurt in their homes.

Sharing stories at a Wedding Table, Rustic pink and white flower in jars, burlap runners, candles , globe lights in barn.

In Spain, there is a specific word to describe this time around the table after a meal: la sobremesa.  Spaniards are accustomed to spending a long period of time in the middle of the day sharing lunch with friends, family, and colleagues, taking time to savor a meal and conversation before the work day continues. There is no direct English translation for this Spanish word that so beautifully encompasses a culture of lingering, a culture of spending time around the table with the ones who remind us we are known and loved and worth listening to.

Any time I have traveled, this cultural tradition has challenged my on-time, driven nature.  It reminds me to choose people and stories over to-do lists, even when my introverted self wants nothing more than to cozy up on the couch with some Moose Tracks ice cream and an old episode of Gilmore Girls.  When I moved to Kansas City, Missouri to get married and “settle down,” I knew I wanted to carry the tradition of sobremesa with me.

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